Star Crossed

By Volodymyr Kish

I was talking recently with my cousin Hryts from Pidkamin, that curious little burgh in Western Ukraine that is paradoxically both interesting and nondescript at the same time. On the surface, it may appear to outsiders as a sleepy, pastoral little village nestled in a pleasant and verdant little valley where nothing particularly exciting ever happens. Dig a little deeper though, and you will discover the place to be rife with esoteric history, strange manifestations of nature and geology, and colourful characters, not the least of which is my cousin Hryts. There is, for instance, the ancient legend of how many centuries ago, the Pidkaminites beat back a savage Tatar attack with the aid of a secret weapon whose prime component was some magical horseradish. But, that is a story for another day.

On this particular occasion, I was bemoaning the fact that my wife had read somewhere that, according to the Chinese Zodiac, I was born in the Year of the Tiger and she was born in the Year of the Snake, and that according to long held Chinese belief, Snakes and Tigers were deemed to be strongly incompatible as partners. Further, she noted that according to Western astrological lore which dates back to Babylonian times, she being a Scorpio and I being a Capricorn meant a strong risk of conflict in our relationship. Although I hastened to point out that over the thirty seven plus years of our marriage, our menagerie of snakes, tigers, scorpions and goats had managed to live quite successfully and harmoniously, she remained somewhat troubled that the stars were conspiring against a happy future for the two of us. I should note that when my wife is troubled, I am inevitably troubled as well.

Hryts, of course, found the whole issue hilarious.

“Oh my dear young turnip!” he exclaimed. “You certainly get your nose running over the most ridiculous things. Tell me – are you Chinese?”

“Of course not,” I replied.

“Then why are you paying attention to Chinese old wives tales. Same thing with your astrological signs – do you have Babylonian chromosomes in your genes?”

“I don’t think so…” I stammered, “though I did read somewhere that there was a famous ancient Mesopotamian city named Kish, that was just down the road from Babylon, so you never know…”

“Bah!” he smirked. “Obviously your turnips need more watering. If you are going to indulge in astrology, the least you could do is look to the Ukrainian Zodiac.”

“Ukrainian Zodiac?” I asked, somewhat puzzled. “What is that?’

“Shows how much you know about our Ukrainian traditions,” he continued. “Our ancestors adapted the astrological signs used by other Europeans so that they better reflected the deep ties they had to the land, and what they cultivated on it. Instead of Greek deities or Chinese animals, they had twelve signs based on what they grew in their gardens. Their signs, starting with the spring equinox, were Hops, Wheat, Onion, Poppy, Pea, Fig, Cabbage, Beet, Garlic, Horseradish, Turnip and Walnut.”

“Hmm…” I uttered, a little overwhelmed with this new-found knowledge.

“Clearly,” he continued, “your wife was born under the sign of the Beet, and you were born under the sign of the Horseradish, and as we all know, beets and horseradish go very well together, so you have nothing to worry about.”

“I suppose you’re right,” I exclaimed. “But, are there any signs that are incompatible?”

“But of course,” he replied, “it should be as clear to you as moonshine. Two in particular – Peas and Cabbage (‘horokh z kapustoyu’) and Figs with Poppy (‘figu z makom’),” as the sayings go.

As usual, I was left gaping in awe with his logic.