Hryts Solves Ukraine’s Political Dilemma

By Walter Kish

The running farce that masquerades as politics and government in Ukraine coughed up several interesting new developments these past few weeks. Firstly, the Supreme Court of Ukraine struck down Parliament’s initiative to move up the Presidential election to this October, saying the move was unconstitutional. Of course, the current mongrel of a constitution is so full of vagueness, loopholes and contradictions that almost anything that either the President or the Verkhovna Rada does can, and usually is, challenged in court.  It makes for interesting headlines but does nothing for responsible government. 

The other major bit of news was that Victor Baloha, the President’s Chief of Staff these past three years, and probably the most disliked bureaucrat in Ukraine, resigned.  The ironic aspect to his departure was the fact that he issued a statement strongly condemning Yushchenko for not living up to his Orange Revolution commitments.  He must have had his tongue planted firmly in cheek, considering that most view him as being one of the major contributing factors to President Yushchenko’s sorry record of the past few years.

As usual, when I need some insight into Ukrainian political affairs, I turn to my cousin Hryts, the sage of Pidkamin, a village renowned for its eponymous rock as well as the quality of its horseradish.  I have always thought that whatever is in the environment there that puts that special bite into the horseradish, it has done the same for Hryts’s character and wit.  And like the root known to the scientifically inclined as Armoracia rusticana, those qualities in Hryts are also deep rooted.

“So Hrtysiu,” I queried, “What do you make of Baloha’s fleeing the sinking ship?”

“Well my young turnip,”  he responded with a chuckle, “I think even parasites eventually realize when there’s nothing much left to feed from.  He’s obviously decided it was time to look for his next meal, and in Ukraine there are plenty of rich pickings!”

“And what about the elections being postponed once again because of the court ruling?” I continued.

“Actually I think we should postpone elections indefinitely and try another tack.” he replied with that tone of voice which I immediately knew foreshadowed another of his usually brilliant but eccentric brainstorms.

“And what is that?” I asked, playing my usual gullible setup role.

“Well…” he started off slowly, “It’s like this.  I have come to the conclusion that Ukrainians are just not capable of electing capable governments.  I don’t know whether it is our historical Kozak characteristic nature, almost anarchistic opposition to any kind of rule, or whether we are just incapable of recognizing and electing strong and capable leaders.  Whatever the case, we have been unable to put in place any kind of good government that is stable, serves the people well and isn’t self-serving.”

“So…what do you propose?” I asked naively.

“Actually,” he replied “it’s really quite simple.  We should do similar to what most of the really large global corporations have been doing for the past few decades – outsource the task of running our government to some obviously capable other country.  We would retain overall political authority but leave the mechanics of such things as administration, constitution, legal systems, taxation etc to the experts that have a solid and successful track record in running a country.”

The boldness of his proposition stunned me for a few minutes.  As I came to realize the obvious merit of his idea, I decided to build on the concept with what I thought was a good suggestion.

“Well in that case, may I be so bold as to suggest that maybe that task could be sub-contracted to Canada.  We are one of the most successful and stable countries in the Western world.  You could use our systems as the model”

“Heavens no!” he quickly retorted, “That would never work. Your country is based on a bilingual, two founding nations concept with special privileges for the minority French component.  In Ukraine, that would imply making Russian an official state language and giving all kinds of preferential treatment and subsidies to the Russian minority.  No, my young turnip, the majority Ukrainian population would never accept that.”

“I see your point.” I replied sheepishly.  “So who did you have in mind?”

“Well, “ he continued, “ I was thinking more along the lines of the Swiss.  They are competent, efficient, economically successful, politically stable and discreet, and have been able to get along with everyone in Europe without conflict for centuries.  Besides that, they have no discernable culture or imperialistic designs that would place them in conflict with Ukrainians’ own language, traditions, values or religious denominations.  Yes…I think it could work.”

“Then too, there is one other potential advantage,” he continued.

“And what is that?”

“They could teach us how to ski!

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