A Memorable Milestone

By Volodymyr Kish

This past weekend my wife Daria and I celebrated our 35^th Wedding Anniversary.  It is a milestone that is much more meaningful to me than my birthday or the anniversary of any other day or event in my life. 

In our time and social environment, it is also becoming a much rarer event.  Statistics show that close to half of all marriages fail for one reason or another in North America.  In our parents’ day and within the immigrant Ukrainian society of that time, divorce was of course quite rare.

We should be careful however about drawing any conclusions that somehow relationships were better or stronger back then.  Even as a kid, I could see that there was no shortage of dysfunctional marriages caused by misogynist attitudes, abuse, alcoholism and poverty.  However, within Ukrainian culture, divorce was just not an option, either morally or practically, especially for women.

No matter how bad life got, one was expected to just “suck it in” and bear it.  There were no women’s shelters or any support options available for a wife stuck in a bad marriage. 

In our modern era it has become much easier of course for either party in a marriage to escape their marital vows, though obviously it is women who have benefited most from the change in both laws and societal values.  While generally speaking this has been a positive development in terms of women’s rights, it has seriously weakened the traditional institution of marriage “till death do us part”.

I was fortunate that my parents’ marriage, though not ideal, was relatively stable.

My father was pretty old school in terms of viewing himself as the “head” of the household, and though he held the traditional Ukrainian chauvinistic view of the subservient role of the wife and mother, he was not abusive and had more respect and affection for my mother than most of his peers.  My mother was the dutiful, hard-working, self-sacrificing Ukrainian mother who seldom complained and whose life revolved around being a mother and housewife.  Like most Ukrainian parents of that generation, they were not comfortable demonstrating their love or affection too overtly or physically, yet at least as far as I was concerned, they provided a stable and encouraging environment for me to grow and develop.

My wife Daria, had a much more difficult childhood, coming from a broken home and seeing her parents divorced when she was a teen.  When we married, we were both determined to not repeat the mistakes and limitations that we had seen in the way our parents had structured their married lives.  We wanted our marriage to be more of an equitable partnership founded in mutual love and respect.

It would be presumptuous and not entirely honest for me to claim that we succeeded totally in this endeavour.  The challenges and vicissitudes of married life and parenthood ensured that our intentions, patience and love for each other would be frequently tested.  We had our ups and down.  The stresses of daily life produced tensions, differences of opinion and rifts that were not always easy to overcome. 

I am also quite aware of the fact that in the majority of cases, it was I who instigated the conflicts.  I have always been the one that was motivated by a restless and adventurous spirit, taking risks, taking on more than I could realistically handle, and it was my wife Daria that often paid the price for my decisions and actions.  I will always be indebted to her for her patience, tolerance and spirit of forgiveness.

I am glad to say that for 35 years we persevered and that our relationship had deep enough roots that we not only survived but found the proper balance between our individual needs and our mutual love for each other.  Thirty five years later, we have no regrets about our original decision to share our lives together, and frankly neither of us can envision any other alternative.  Daria is still the love of my life.