The Seven Percent Solution

By Volodymyr Kish

In the aftermath of the recent presidential election in Ukraine, I am still trying to get used to the idea of a “President Yanukovych”.  It testifies to the sad state of politics in that country that an ex-convict of such limited intellectual abilities actually won the election.  What is more galling is that according to impartial observers, he did it fair and square. 

I guess in a distorted, idealistic sense, it is testimony to the power of democracy where anybody really can get elected President.  To compound the irony, I suspect that at least for the immediate future, if he manages to consolidate his power over Parliament as well, Ukraine will probably see a measurable improvement in terms of its economic well-being under his new administration.  The country’s dire financial straits are due in large measure to the political chaos and lack of governance for the past several years.

As is usual in times of political confusion, I turned to my expert source on all things Ukrainian – my cousin Hryts from Pidkamin, a fecund little village in Western Ukraine renowned for the rustic wisdom of its inhabitants as well as the excellence of its garlic.

“Hrytsiu,” I snivelled, “What is poor Ukraine to do?  The Russians have once again managed to get their man in as President, while we Ukrainians, with a solid majority are left holding the pumpkin!”

“Bah!” he retorted, “What do you expect when the incumbent President doesn’t know how to use the business end of a bulava (mace), and the Prime Minister is more concerned with her hairdo and her outfit than the state of the country’s finances! It’s obvious that neither of them has the competence to govern Pidkamin, never mind Ukraine.”

“So how is Ukraine to get out of this royal mess?” I queried.

“Fear not my young turnip.” I heard him exclaim. “I have a cunning plan to set things right. I call it the seven percent solution.”

It was obvious that he had read the Ukrainian version of Sherlock Holmes stories that I had presented to him the last time I visited him in Ukraine.

“I am waiting with baited breath O wise one!” I retorted with just a hint of facetiousness.

“Why it’s elementary, my dear Volodymyr” he began, and as usual, I knew I was in for another of his eccentric brainstorms.

“As you know, the Russian element of the Ukrainian population tends to vote as a bloc for their candidate, knowing full well that they don’t need a majority, since the Ukrainian majority always conveniently fractures into antagonistic camps. They only need to have more votes than the largest of the Ukrainian blocs.  Usually, this only requires a plurality of a million or two votes.  So all we need to do is reduce the number of Russian voters by a sufficient number to deny them that plurality.”

Though I should have known better, I rose to the bait.

“And how would you propose to do that without trampling on human and democratic rights?” I asked.

“Why it’s quite simple.” He replied.  “Some 1.2 million Russians constituting about seven percent of the total population of Russians in Ukraine live in Crimea, which as you know used to belong to the Tatars for centuries until a succession of Tsars and finally Stalin deported almost all of them beyond the Urals.  Although they have started returning to Crimea in large numbers, they are still far short of a majority there.  Ukraine should immediately mount a crash program to encourage the remaining Tatars to return home from the Far East until they form a comfortable majority in Crimea.  We would then grant Crimea full independence, thereby removing a significant number of Russians from the Ukrainian voting lists.  Problem solved and Bohdan’s your uncle!”

I had to admit it was a brilliant plan.  Hryts was nothing if not creative.  Must be something in the garlic he grows.